izigame.me

> be me
> browsing through my Steam library for something to play
> see "Velvet Assassin"
> oh yeah, I remember buying this on sale for like a dollar
> why not give it a try?
> boot up the game
> "Press any key to start"
> press 'Enter'
> game loads
> meet Violette Summer, the protagonist
> she's a British spy during World War II
> apparently, she's the master of stealth and sneaking
> oh boy, this should be fun
> first mission
> Violette gets caught by the enemy before I even move
> that's not very sneaky
> die like 10 times before I figure out the controls
> even then, the controls are as wonky as a three-legged donkey
> try to sneak past a guard
> Violette suddenly decides to do the moonwalk
> guard notices and shoots her
> smooth criminal, Violette
> eventually, I start getting the hang of it
> sneak around, stab a few Nazis in the back
> doing my stealthy dance moves
> "Smooth Operator" achievement unlocked
> I feel like a true pro now
> game throws a room full of guards at me
> engage in epic combat
> oh, wait, I'm supposed to be stealthy
> hide in a closet and giggle
> slowly eliminate guards one by one
> "Master of Shadows" achievement unlocked
> feeling pretty accomplished
> suddenly, the game goes all psychedelic
> Violette starts tripping on her own shoelaces or something
> graphics go wonky
> colors are all over the place
> is this World War II or Woodstock?
> fight through the acid trip
> finally reach the end
> game crashes
> mfw I realize Velvet Assassin is as stable as a Jenga tower
> and Violette, well, she really does put the "ass" in "assassin" with that lethal, killer booty of hers
> 10/10 would trip and stab Nazis again
Velvet Velour, the sultry vampire diva, reclines on a plush velvet chaise lounge, bathed in crimson light. She gazes sensually into the camera, her voice dripping with allure as she reviews "Velvet Assassin."
Velvet Velour: (whispering) Good evening, darling viewers. It's Velvet Velour, your favorite Kindred seductress, here to tantalize your senses once more. Tonight, we're going to delve into the mysterious world of gaming, and a title that's as enigmatic as it is... steamy. 🔥✨
Velvet Velour leans in, her scarlet lips parting seductively.
Velvet Velour: (whispering) "Velvet Assassin." Oh, the very name sends shivers down my spine. A game as seductive as the finest silk, and about as stable as a vampire's morality. But what's most fascinating about this game, my dear ghouls, is the captivating Violette Summer. Mmm, such a name... 💃💋
Velvet Velour slowly traces her finger along her porcelain neck.
Velvet Velour: (sensual sigh) Violette, my dear, you're like a fine Bordeaux. A British spy, a master of stealth and sneaking, and, oh, those killer dance moves... She's got that deadly booty that could slay more than just Nazis, if you catch my drift. 😈💃
Velvet Velour winks seductively.
Velvet Velour: But, back to the game itself. "Velvet Assassin" has the kind of stability that makes you want to check your pulse. It crashes and stumbles like a newly embraced vampire. But, oh, the irony of a game with such an unstable foundation sharing its name with the alluring Violette. It's almost poetic, isn't it? 🎭🤣
Velvet Velour leans closer to the camera, her eyes smoldering.
Velvet Velour: Despite its flaws, it's worth playing just to savor the moments with our enchanting protagonist. Violette... she's the kind of woman who'd make even the most stoic Nosferatu blush. Her charm, her finesse, and that lethal charm of hers – it's irresistible. 💖😍
Velvet Velour reclines further on her chaise lounge, her voice low and sultry.
Velvet Velour: So, my lovely viewers, if you can endure a few crashes and the occasional stumble, venture into "Velvet Assassin." You'll find yourself drawn into a world of espionage and sensuality. Just remember, no matter how stealthy you are, you'll never be as seductive as our dear Violette. 💋🌹
Velvet Velour blows a velvet kiss to the camera and smirks.
Velvet Velour: Until next time, darlings. Stay alluring, and may your nights be as dark and mysterious as Violette Summer herself. Mwah! 💋🌙
The camera fades to black as Velvet Velour's laughter fills the air. 😘🖤
When I boot up the game, folks be looking like, "Damn, it's a shame"
I dive in the screen, strolling through the scenes with my Violette dream
Yeah, this is how I sneak, all in black, booty firm and sleek
It's me with the killer disguise, and like a ninja, I'm taking lives, oh yeah
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) I-I-I sneak out
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) I-I-I sneak out
When I crawl through the game (Yeah)
This is what I see (Okay)
Enemies drop like flies, and they're staring at me
I got skill in my pants, and I ain't afraid to show it
Show it, show it, show it
I'm stealthy and I know it
I'm stealthy and I know it
Yeah
When I'm in the dark, nobody can see me leave a mark
And when I'm on the prowl, in the shadows, you won't hear a howl (What)
This is how I roll, come on, enemies, it's time to go
We headed to the lair, where danger's lurking everywhere
No noise, no alarm, and I still get the charm, watch
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) I-I-I sneak out
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
I-I-I sneak out
When I slide through the scene (Yeah)
This is what I see (Okay)
Enemies stop, and they're staring at me
I got stealth in my pants, and I ain't afraid to show it
Show it, show it, show it
I'm sneaky, and I know it (Ay)
I'm sneaky, and I know it
Check it out, check it out
Creepin', creepin', creepin', creepin', yeah
Creepin', creepin', creepin', creepin', yeah
Creepin', creepin', creepin', creepin', yeah
Creepin', creepin', creepin, yeah, yeah
Do the sneak, man
I do the sneak, man
Yeah, I'm stealthy, and I know it
Ay, yeah
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) I-I-I sneak out
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) Girl, look at that booty
(Ah) I-I-I sneak out
I'm stealthy, and I know it