izigame.me

Ryan George Style Pitch Meeting:

Publisher: So, you have a… downloadable… thingamajig… for that… that game where you’re basically an hyper-stimulated cloud of carnage mowing down midnight monstrosities… for me? My teeth feel… tingly.
Game Designer: Yes, sir, I do! It’s “Emergency Meeting” for Vampire Survivors on Steam! A DLC so innovative, it’ll make pigeons start demanding better breadcrumbs!
(Sam and Max materialize in the office via a puff of purple smoke, wearing tiny chef hats and carrying comically oversized whisks.)
Sam: By the bubbling broth of Macbeth! Another intriguing locale! Max, did you remember the emergency soufflé ingredients? One never knows when culinary chaos might ensue!
Max: Soufflé? I brought cheese! It goes with everything! Even… suspicious-looking furniture! Ooh, look, Sam! That filing cabinet is wearing a tiny wig! He’s clearly trying to hide something… probably SUS!
(Mulder descends from the air vent (because the chimney incident was so last season), covered in glitter glue and holding a flickering smartphone displaying a blurry pixelated bean.)
Mulder: They’re here… their digital disguises… sticking to the very surface of this… software sales solicitation! Scully… I want to believe… in imposters… in sussy bakas camouflaged amongst the creepy crawlies!
Scully: (Entering through the door, carrying a sensible toolkit) Mulder, there wasn’t an air vent large enough for you. And that looks like a low-resolution screenshot.
Publisher: My teeth feel like they’re wearing sweaters, my office is experiencing a low-budget wizard convention, and I have a glitter-glued FBI agent emerging from the ventilation system. The DLC, anew!
Game Designer: You betcha! See, Vampire Survivors is already a transcendent symphony of satisfying slaughter! But this DLC? It’s like adding… a kazoo solo played by a choir of confused chinchillas to that already magnificent musical maelstrom!
(A single kazoo rolls across the floor, followed by a faint chinchilla squeak.)
Sam: A kazoo! The instrument of pure, unadulterated joy… and occasional earworms!
Max: Kazoos are fun! Especially when you try to play heavy metal on them!
(Mulder examines the kazoo with a magnifying glass, his glitter glue shimmering.)
Mulder: Scully, the kazoo! It’s a sonic beacon! Transmitting sussy baka frequencies!
Scully: Mulder, it’s a musical instrument.
Publisher: Musical rodents and sonic alien signals. The "sussy" part, the fresh take?
Game Designer: Ah, the SUS! It’s like adding a… deliciously deceptive layer of “who’s the sneaky snake in the swarming shrubbery?” to the already frantic “run like the wind!” You’ll be blasting beasties, but deep down, you’ll wonder… was that ghoul just a ghoul? Or was it a SUSSY BAKA with surprisingly good ghoul cosplay?
(The bean-shaped plushie now has a tiny thought bubble that reads "I FAKED HEALING!")
Sam: A faked healing accusation! The ultimate betrayal in the… high-stakes healthcare system of interdimensional space beans!
Max: Faking is bad! Unless you’re faking being asleep to avoid chores! That’s strategic!
(Mulder points at the plushie with a glitter-covered finger.)
Mulder: Scully… the thought bubble! The plushie knows the truth! The sussy bakas are even faking their helpfulness!
Scully: Mulder, it’s a toy with a speech bubble.
Publisher: Faking plushies and interdimensional healthcare fraud. The map, Polus, the fresh angle?
Game Designer: Polus! It’s not just a map; it’s like a… giant, icy escape room where the puzzles involve not getting eaten and at least one of your teammates is a SUSSY BAKA trying to lock you in the freezer! And the VENTS! Oh, the VENTS! They’re not just shortcuts; they’re the shadowy superhighways of SUS-ness! Perfect for a quick getaway after… not helping with the vampire vanquishing!
(A tiny “Keep Out” sign falls from the ceiling.)
Sam: A “Keep Out” sign! Clearly marking the… secret lair of sinister snack-snatchers!
Max: Secret lairs are cool! That’s where the best cheese is hidden!
(Mulder tries to attach the “Keep Out” sign to the air vent with sticky tape.)
Mulder: Scully… the VENTS! They’re off-limits to the untainted! Only the sussy bakas dare to tread their treacherous tubes!
Scully: Mulder, it’s a sign. And that tape won’t hold.
Publisher: Forbidden ventilation and sinister snack security. The characters, the fresh take?
Game Designer: Nine new characters, each a unique blend of monster-mashing and magnificent SUS-pect potential! The Crewmate? Might be suspiciously good at dodging! The Imposter? Basically a walking, talking SUSSY BAKA with a stabby tongue and a shifty side-eye! Even the Scientist with those bubbling beakers… definitely brewing up some SUS-piciously potent potions!
(A tiny pair of safety goggles falls from the ceiling.)
Sam: Safety goggles! For protecting your peepers from… unexpected explosions of pure silliness!
Max: Safety first! Unless it involves wearing itchy sweaters!
(Mulder puts the tiny goggles on the potato from the previous pitch meeting.)
Mulder: Scully… the goggles! They’re trying to protect their identity! The sussy bakas are becoming more cautious!
Scully: Mulder, that’s a potato wearing doll clothes.
Publisher: Goggled potatoes and suspiciously safe survivors. The weapons, the fresh angle?
Game Designer: Fifteen new weapons, each with a delightfully SUS twist! The Emergency Meeting button? Just a loud foghorn blast! The Impostongue? Still that unsettlingly surprise, now with added googly eyes! The Paranormal Scan? Maybe it reveals ghosts… or maybe just the IMPOSTER trying to look like they’re defogging their helmet with a laser pointer!
Game Designer: Super sussy, barely any convenience...
(A tiny foghorn falls from the ceiling.)
Sam: A foghorn! For announcing the arrival of… extremely important rubber ducks!
Max: Honk honk! That’s the sound of SUS!
(Mulder tries to use the foghorn to communicate with the potato.)
Mulder: Scully… the signal! It’s a warning! The sussy bakas are nearby!
Scully: Mulder, it’s a toy.
Publisher: Foghorn warnings and googly-eyed tongue weapons. The overall silly "sussy baka" experience, the fresh take?
Game Designer: Sir, this DLC, “Emergency Meeting,” is the ultimate Vampire Survivors experience! It’s a non-stop thrill ride of SUSSY action, packed with so much content, it’s practically criminal! We’re talking new maps, new characters, new weapons, and a whole new level of paranoia!
(The bean-shaped plushie now has a tiny speech bubble that reads "BUY IT NOW… OR ELSE!")
Sam: An offer you can’t refuse from a… bean of questionable morality!
Max: I like beans! Especially baked beans!
(Mulder, still rappelling, swings wildly and gets tangled in the office blinds.)
Mulder: I’m going down, Scully! But I’m taking the SUS with me! Get ready for the truth!
Scully: (Sighs) Just… buy the DLC, sir. Please.
Game Designer: So, what do you say? Ready to unleash the SUS? “Emergency Meeting” is available now on Steam! Don’t miss out on the mayhem!
(The Game Designer throws a bunch of confetti into the air, which turns out to be tiny, pixelated beans.)
Publisher: Okay, okay, you’ve convinced me! This… “Emergency Meeting” sounds…intriguing. I’ll give it a shot! Just… try to get your… associates under control, and maybe clean up some of this glitter?
Game Designer: Fantastic! You won’t regret this. It’s an experience you won’t forget!
(Sam and Max strike a pose, holding their whisks aloft.)
Sam and Max: To “Emergency Meeting”! A culinary… and investigative delight!
(Mulder, now completely entangled in the blinds, speaks through the slats.)
Mulder: The… the truth is in there… somewhere! I know it!
Scully: (To the Publisher) I’ll… get him down.
Scully: (To Sam and Max) And you two. With me.
Scully: (To herself) I swear, I don’t get paid enough for this.
Game Designer: Don't worry, we'll clean up!
Publisher: Just... just go. Enjoy the DLC.
Game Designer: We will! To the Emergency Meeting!