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The First Swing, The Hardest Miss

It's not always easy to criticise a nearly decade-old title, especially one brave enough to be the first AAA prospector to foray into From Software's illustrious territory; however, Lords Of The Fallen truly has nothing going for it. In tandem with a catastrophic misunderstanding of what made its muse so beloved and the total lack of any noteworthy innovation in a subgenre still in its relative infancy, CI Games' first soulslike swing is much closer to a tiresome chore than anything resembling an enjoyable video game.
Story
You play as Harkyn, a convicted sinner released from his bonds and brought to the Keystone Monastery to face the demonic Rhogar Lords and the chaotic god Adyr pulling the strings. It's hardly a narrative epic by any means, yet unfortunately, the tale is presented as one, noticeably more present in contrast with many of its soulslike contemporaries; however, it lacks the necessary individuality or depth to justify the approach. There are at least some 'characters' that help expand the story, but that's a generous description; these NPCs do little more than dump exposition and point you in the direction of the next big bad, reiterating the banal 'last hope of humanity' theme without a hint of originality. Despite some light worldbuilding in the form of scattered audio notes, Harkyn's story is unlikely to stick in the mind for long.
Combat and Enemies
Imagine a hotpot of everything no one likes about Souls combat boiled down to a thick, unpleasant paste before finally burned to a crisp, and you'll have a pretty solid grasp on how utterly miserable it is to control and fight with Harkyn. Naturally, most of his moveset is in line with that of a typical soulslike, yet unfortunately, it fails to borrow any of the quality; broken hitboxes, inconsistent I-frames and the general feeling that Harkyn is moving in slow motion are the defining characteristics of each encounter.
I really can't stress enough just how lethargic combat is; watching Harkyn wind up the heavy attack of a large war hammer isn't that far removed from watching grass grow, and should you venture into the forbidden realm of higher weight classes, expect to see your dodge roll replaced with what I can only assume is Harkyn tripping over a nearby pebble under the weight of his armour, spending the next second or so sheepishly picking himself up.
The kill shot, however, is Harkyn's hilarious lack of poise. A stiff breeze is all it takes to stagger him out of any action, so, in combination with his unbearably slow attack cadence, finding any opportunity to strike demands painful consideration and restraint. Even something simple like baiting an attack and responding is troublesome; thinking about blocking or dodging? Whoops, you lost your entire stamina pool in the process, and Heaven forbid you have the audacity to attack without the full stamina requirement; whoops, you've lost all your damage, too.
You can't even trust foes to play by the same rules either; "Poise? Stamina? Never heard of 'em", scoff most enemies as they laugh behind their shields, your strikes against them harmlessly ricocheting. Hit their defences enough times, and they'll occasionally stagger and dramatically recoil back, though not without somehow managing to recover completely in the eternity it takes Harkyn to compel his delicate, decrepit arms to take another swing; clearly, prison got between Harkyn and his local Planet Fitness.
It's important not to mistake all this for difficulty, however, and that's why it's so frustrating; sure, these shields are a nightmare to bypass, but once you do, the opposition behind them disintegrates like a wet paper towel, and although practically every enemy attack interrupts each of Harkyn's sluggish strikes, the damage you'll take from them is almost nonexistent.
Combat ultimately offers nothing to keep me engaged, with most encounters resulting in little more than a drawn-out staring contest, painstakingly searching for the rare opportunity in which one of Harkyn's swings actually delivers any meaningful damage. The patience it takes to overcome over half of the enemy roster is nothing short of soul-destroying, and it took mere hours to conclude that simply ignoring them was my best option.
Bosses
Boss design is particularly embarrassing; you're lucky to see more than three separate attacks out of these guys, and they always find a way to bring something truly and uniquely awful to each fight. You've got bosses with even more insufferable shields that they even more adamantly refuse to put down, bosses with arena-spanning one-hit-kill moves with little to no indication of how to survive them, and, my personal favourite, a boss with an overhead slam that has what seems to be about a 60% chance to clip you clean through the floor on contact.
But worse than anything else, even with their impenetrable shields, even with their vexatious insta-kills, and even in the face of Harkyn's agonising combat ineptitude and his blatant disregard of cardiovascular exercise, bosses manage to be just as incompetent as their Rhogar underlings; despite the continuous warnings of just how imposing and insurmountable these eponymous Lords Of The Fallen are, fighting them never gives off that impression, exemplified by sightings of carbon copies of the first lord wondering around like a regular enemy as the adventure nears its conclusion.
Exploration
Unfortunately, exploring the Keystone Monastery isn't any better. LotF's world is incredibly compact, taking place almost entirely in and around a single (albeit large) building, and it's a characteristic that extends to every layer of exploration. Coupled with an abundance of ambiguous keys for even more ambiguous doors, secret rooms, and a tendency to remain indoors, the world ends up so cramped and squished together, so overloaded with shortcuts and subsequently so labyrinthine that there's no satisfaction in mentally mapping out and conquering the spaces, and I constantly was left with the nagging feeling that I'd left some stones unturned.
It's an issue exacerbated by the frequent loading screens connecting most major locations. It's just as simple as crossing from one side of a door to the other; however, it shatters any sense of direction I may have maintained. LotF's world is technically interconnected, but in name only; these doors and the following loading screens don't represent pathways that connect locations to me, but rather inconspicuous portals that have me scratching my head trying to remember where the heck they'll lead me.
Finally, and strongly contributing to those prior difficulty issues, no matter where you find yourself in the Keystone Monastery, enemies won't scale in strength, sporting the same stat profiles they had when you first crossed blades with them, sometimes as far back as the tutorial. Of course, there's a relatively consistent stream of new enemies as you progress, appropriately scaled to the area in which you first see them; however, they'll only remain relevant for so long, and there's something so bizarre about seeing an enemy you know to be relatively threatening standing ready down a corridor next to an enemy you know will fall if you so much as enter its general vicinity.
Final Thoughts
Lords Of The Fallen's issues spread wide and run even deeper, and I feel as though I've only scratched the surface. Whether it be the constant headache-inducing shaky cam, the wildly imbalanced magic system, the litany of bugs, or Harkyn's inability to roll in anything but the four cardinal directions, there are dozens of isolated problems I wish I had the character count to cover. Between the horrendous design choices and the technical shortcomings, I struggle to find a single thing I can speak favourably of, leaving me unable to recommend Lords Of The Fallen to even the most diehard of soulslike fans.