House Flipper Review (bbhrupp)
Let me explain House Flipper:
1. House dirty
2. *mop noises*
3. House clean
OR THAT’S WHAT THE GAME WANTS YOU TO THINK
It’s a slippery slope from “I want to remove that can from this kitchen floor” to “Damn this room could really use some teal heron wallpaper matched with sea breeze paint and a cool oak dresser”
This game made me buy an expansion pack that allows me to mow lawns. I own a virtual lawnmower. My own mother came and asked me for something and I said “hold up let me just mow this lawn” and she looked at me like I was out of my mind. I am out of my mind. I could be playing house flipper right now.
But if you think this is just a relaxing renovation game then think again, for you are rewarded if you sell to every possible buyer and Giorgio wants two baths and no kitchen so I made a house with two baths and no kitchen and THE LOVELY ELDERLY COUPLE STILL BOUGHT IT. I made a nice house for the young couple with the baby and it was bought by Dolan Trund. Yes. Dolan Trund. I also essentially sold a sex dungeon to a man called Jimmy Traitor who whenever I place a child’s object in any house I am building tells me “Those aren’t my kind of toys”.
I’m forever struggling to understand why the one potted cactus makes the house instantly more appealling to the “I like creative disaster” woman and why everybody is so horny about bookshelves, why the room that has been a living room for the past half an hour is suddenly classed as a kitchen oh god Giorgio’s pissed at me again.
Lovely and relaxing and calming I may say, but then again they give you a hammer and there are walls, you can take out *whatever you like on them*. You can knock all of the walls down, you can sell the doors, you can sell the WINDOWS, you can make the worst house in the history of houses ever created and the AIs will still buy it for a profit.
I built a house and filled it with baths. Just baths. Only baths. It was chaotic. It was brilliant. Jimmy Traitor bought it? What does he want with all these baths? Is 2 the limit for Giorgio?
Let’s not even speak about the gardening DLC in which you are graded on coverage and variety of plants which increases the house sales price yes I’d like to mention the £200,000 profit I made on a property because I *ran around their lawn randomly placing daffodils for an hour* Oh and forget the confusing logic behind the animal crossing shovel, the house flipper shovel has SEEN THINGS.
But seriously, I love this game so much, it has so many different things going for it and you can be as chill or as serious as you want to be. I am freed from the shackles of powerwashing and fully invested in real estate. As somebody who currently can’t do too much because of illness this game… I mowed the lawn mum.
If you need a new game to play and are looking for something different, a little slower maybe, I would recommend this game. FYI it is a bit pants without the DLC but still very playable and enjoyable.
Thanks for coming to my TEd Talk ✌🏻