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Tuesday, August 23, 2022 12:48:41 PM

Darkest Dungeon Review (Wiro Doloran)


Journal of Zven the Crusader (1/5)

So… Here we go I guess, for the first time I am descending into these cursed ruins to defeat the Necromancer. There are 4 of us: my faithful friend and companion Wiro the Highwayman, Fabia the Vestal – lady of the Order of the Sacred Flame and… some weird naked woman armed with a pickaxe and throwing knives – I bet Wiro almost swallowed his tongue when saw her for the first time. The Caretaker of a local Hamlet (I think that he called himself Leyland Kirby) said that she came from “Mods”. Well, I have never heard of a mysterious land of Mods before but I think that I have already found a destination point for my next crusade. The local Hamlet is a nice place, a little bit lousy but some gold from these damned catacombs can turn it into a sanctuary. Also, I have encountered some strange happenings there, for example, some other adventurers denied going on the mission with us because “they were too stressed” tho they looked as fresh as the morning breeze, or my personal wardrobe did not let me equip my favourite crest before this descent into ruins. This odd fellow Caretaker said that the bugs are the reason for all of that. I saw some of the cockroaches in the tavern down the street, but I guess that this old scavenger did not mean them… Whatever. So, we are descending into these cursed ruins…

Journal of Zven the Crusader (2/5)

We decided to stop to take a small break – Wiro made us a small cosy bonfire of firewood we took from Hamlet. Our party is doing well, at least for now – we have slain a bunch of the undead bones and a group of giant spiders. Wiro is continuously dropping some bon mots, encouraging everyone. His jokes are too lame to be laughed at but I appreciate his attempts to alleviate an oppressive environment. Fabia is scared of those wretched creatures – I can see that in her eyes. I tried to encourage her that those are just a bunch of hustle bones awakened by blasphemous powers, but she only chuckled nervously. The Naked Woman remained completely silent throwing her sharp knives at foes – Wiro thinks that she is deaf and dumb and I have nothing to add to that. During our respite, Fabia told me that Ronald – the legendary bounty hunter who died in the Warrens last week because of his party member – a one-armed woman from the south who had nightmares about the giant snakes. What nonsense! Well, unless she is not a lunatic or unless this place does not makes our nightmares come true…

Journal of Zven the Crusader (3/5)

I saw the thing I can’t describe with the words I know. Fabia can’t stop crying and Wiro tries to soothe her. In one of the narrow corridors, we saw the strange construction – The glowing red sphere standing on the spiked metal legs. It seemed to me that there are some scribes written on its dim surface, so I put my torch close to give it a proper check… When suddenly all lights went out, the corridor become flooded with the liquid stars and that cursed thing appeared – spitting at us with the purple ichor and striking us with its countless limbs. We were disoriented – seemed like the attacks were coming from all sides. One moment I was standing between the Wiro and the Fabia – the second I was looking at the back of The Nacked Woman with only the liquid cosmos abyss behind me. We could become dead meat if Wiro would not shoot the sphere on the altar which remained in the middle of this nightmare. Blast all of this! When I will return I should have a proper drink at that old tavern. The good thing – our small trip nearing the end and I believe that in a few hours we will enter the Necromancer domain. Wiro saw that I am writing in my journal and asked me to give it to him to write down a few words to share some wisdom with posterity. I hope he would not write any blasphemy here or I will be obliged to rip out these pages.
NEVER PUT A TORCH WHERE YOU WOULD NOT PUT YOUR DICK


Journal of Zven the Crusader (4/5)

I have no words.
That I could say to describe the horror.
Everything is lost.
Everything is mine now.
All the beauty gone
All the faith.
The Necromancer’s rotten breath rises the yellow bones from their silent domain of sorrow.
They are laughing at us.
They are dancing around us.
The splashes of the infected blood from their golden chalices infuse our injured minds with eternal dread.
Fabia is dead.
Her torned arm is lying a few inches from my feet.
Wiro stands on his knees and can’t stop cursing.
The big armoured skeleton is rising an axe above his head.
Everything is lost.
The end approaches.
God save our poor souls.

Journal of Zven the Crusader (5/5)

I have no idea how we survived this. Later Wiro said that The Naked Woman smashed the Necromancer’s empty head with her pickaxe in one single blow and immediately after that all the undead crumbled into piles of bones. The last thing I remember – is we were heading back to Hamlet. I was carrying Fabia’s corpse, and Wiro was carrying the sack with all of the treasures we have find. The Naked Woman was walking several feet ahead of us carrying the torch – her white buttocks were shining to us like two pale moon disks. When we returned to the Hamet Wiro gave me my part of the revenue – a handful of gems and jewels. I immediately went to the tavern and throw all of these blasted trinkets on a rack in front of the innkeeper – ready to pay any price for those sins to silence my mind inflamed with the horrors of the dungeon.
And for the next two weeks, I sinned. I drank without recognising if I am drinking beer or vine, I gambled without knowing if I bet on reds or blacks. *written with Wiro’s handwriting* and I copulated without recognising if this is a woman or man. And in the moments of clarity among the days of forbidden pleasures, I have recognised… We are never in control of what is going on. Today you are alive and tomorrow you can fall to the sever or choke to death with a piece of well-roasted meat. The Dungeon is not awaking its horrors to destroy us. It just lets us know how really out of control what is happening around us. And the only thing we can do is to guide ourselves in that direction we think is the true one. And we already made our choice by coming to this Hamlet. Tomorrow we are going to the Cove – Wiro found us new companions. And if our destiny is to wipe out in this place, may it be, because, as I said previously, I made my own decision. And I would not regret it until the end.
Zven Magnovski, The Noble Crusader
In the loving memory of:
Zven the Crusader
Wiro the Highwayman
Fabia the Vestal
Ronald the Bounty Hunter
I give this game 8,5/10
Thank you kindly for reading this one to the bottom!
Wiro Doloran